Welcome Back to My Coffee Blog
Hey everyone. So I'm back. Again. I know, I know – like that friend who keeps deleting social media and coming back three weeks later. But here we are.
The Post-Graduation Reality Hit
I just graduated from Mississippi College with a computer science degree, and honestly? Nobody warns you about the emotional crash that follows. I'm 26, a complete coffee addict, and currently experiencing what feels like the longest existential crisis of my life.
You spend years working toward this moment – graduation, the degree, the "real world" – and then you get there and realize you have absolutely no idea what comes next. It's terrifying. I'm scared, and I'm not afraid to admit that anymore.
Right now I'm visiting family and friends back in Germany, trying to figure out my next move. I applied for OPT in the US because I want to stay and work there, but the uncertainty is eating me alive.
Why I Started Writing Again
I used to write this blog three times a week. Not because I thought thousands of people would read it, but because it kept me grounded. It forced me to think, to process, to learn about something I genuinely love – coffee.
But somewhere along the way, I lost motivation. I started thinking, "What's the point if no one's reading?" Wrong question. The point was never about other people. The point was about me working through my thoughts, staying accountable to myself, and documenting this weird, beautiful, chaotic journey.
So I'm back. Not for you (though if you're here, I appreciate you), but for me. This is my therapy, my journal, my way of making sense of everything that feels senseless right now.
Losing Direction After College
I went to a Christian university where I learned to seek God and find meaning beyond myself. I was raised Catholic, so faith has always been part of my foundation. But since graduating, I feel like I've lost that direction somehow.
All the structure, the routines, the habits I built – they're not gone, but they feel different now. I'm doing things that don't feel like me, making choices that leave me questioning who I actually am underneath all this anxiety and uncertainty.
Maybe God wants me to work on myself right now. Maybe this discomfort is necessary. I don't know. What I do know is that instead of scrolling through Instagram every morning and feeling worse about my life, I want to write. I want to read. I want to do things that actually matter.
The Brutal Reality of Job Hunting
Let's talk about the job market, shall we? It's absolutely brutal. I've applied to hundreds of companies – literally hundreds – and gotten rejected or ignored by most of them. Each rejection feels personal now, which I know is unhealthy, but that's where I am.
I have good education. International experience. A master's degree in computer science. I thought I was setting myself up for success, but right now I feel like I'm sliding backward into a spiral I can't control.
The trust issues this creates are real. You start wondering if you're actually worth anything, if all those years of education and hard work meant nothing. I don't know if I'm sliding into depression, but it's not getting better, and that scares me.
The Terrifying Uncertainty of Your Twenties
Your twenties are brutal in ways no one prepares you for. Your parents start aging in ways that make you realize they won't be around forever. You watch relationships that felt permanent crumble. Friends move away. Everything you thought was stable shifts beneath your feet.
I've always been someone who seeks perfection and stability. Having this much uncertainty in my life is new for me, and honestly, it's the first time I've been genuinely worried about my own mental health.
But life keeps moving whether you're ready or not.
Setting an Ultimatum for Myself
I'm giving myself two months when I get back to the US. Two months to land a job, get my life on track, and maybe – just maybe – repair some of the damage I've done to relationships that matter to me.
If I can't make it work in two months, I'm going back to Germany. It's that simple and that terrifying.
I love America. There's real beauty and opportunity there, and I genuinely want to contribute to that country. But if no one will give me a chance, then I have to accept that and move on. Sometimes you have to know when to fold.
Those two months are going to be the hardest of my life because they'll determine everything that comes next.
The People Who Keep Me Grounded
I'm spending time with friends like Niklas and Bre right now, and they remind me what real friendship looks like. They listen without judgment. They let me be a mess without trying to fix me immediately. That's rare and precious.
Livia too – someone who actually listens when I talk about where I am right now and doesn't make me feel crazy for struggling.
These people have taught me that family isn't always blood. Sometimes family is whoever shows up when you're falling apart and helps hold you together until you can stand on your own again.
There's also someone I lost recently. Someone who changed how I see the world and what life could mean. I'm not writing this because of you, but if you ever read this, you should know that losing you taught me something important about myself. I'm trying to change, to be better, even though it might be too late for us.
A Note on Authenticity in the Digital Age
I know I'm sharing deeply personal stuff on the internet where anyone can read it. In 2025, privacy feels like an illusion anyway. But there's something powerful about being vulnerable in public, about saying, "This is me, this is where I am, this is what I'm struggling with."
Maybe someone else needs to hear that they're not alone in feeling lost after graduation, or scared about their future, or wondering if they're making the right choices.
Back to Coffee: The Nespresso Experience
Now, about coffee – the thing that actually brought us together in the first place.
I was in Hanover with Niklas and Bre, and we ended up in a Nespresso shop. I'll be honest: I've always been a coffee snob about Nespresso. It felt too easy, too convenient, like coffee without soul. Just push a button and boom – instant gratification.
Niklas started doing impressions of George Clooney from those Nespresso commercials, and somehow we ended up charming the shop employee into letting us try different coffees.
I ordered a strength level 10 because apparently I enjoy punishing my digestive system. The first sip made me think I'd made a terrible mistake, but then something surprising happened – it was actually really good. Like, genuinely impressive coffee that made me question my pretentious assumptions.
Even Livia, who treats coffee like it personally wronged her, tried an iced coffee and admitted she enjoyed it. That's when you know something special happened.
The latte art was machine-printed, which felt like cheating to my artisanal sensibilities, but you know what? It was still beautiful. Sometimes convenience and quality can coexist.
What I Learned
I'm still going to stick with my espresso machine because I need that ritual, that process, that moment of intention in my morning. But this experience reminded me to stay open to things that challenge my assumptions.
Life is full of surprises when you let your guard down. Sometimes the thing you think you'll hate becomes something you appreciate. Sometimes the people you least expect become the ones who save you.
Moving Forward
So that's where I am – somewhere between hope and fear, trying to rebuild my life one day at a time. Writing this blog is part of that rebuilding. It keeps me honest, keeps me thinking, keeps me connected to something I love.
Tomorrow I'll share more about this journey, probably with less existential crisis and more actual coffee content. But this is the foundation – this is where I'm starting from.
Thanks for reading, for being here, for caring enough to follow along with this mess of a human trying to figure things out.
See you tomorrow.
P.S. If any hiring managers happen to read this, I promise I'm more professionally stable than this post might suggest. But I also believe authenticity and vulnerability make us better humans and better employees.